I learned a lot about myself last night at Cornerstone.
The Alumni room. Twenty young, goofy Christian kids around the polished marble table. Bibles flopped open. We went through John 9-15 yesterday.
And what did I learn about myself? I still tend to have the idea that I know everything. All I wanted to do was police the discussion, make sure nothing "wrong" was said, nothing uncompassionate, nothing historically or theologically questionable. Rather than immersing myself in the discussion and trying to learn from it, I found myself the subconscious arbiter of all things right and true. I really try to listen rather than speak, to understand rather than to be understood, but deep down, I still have a long way to go listening and compassion wise.
Lydia pointed something out to me last night when I think is very true. I tend to be very forgiving of other religions and their adherents, but when it comes to Christianity, my own tradition, there's almost a bitterness towards it. This is true: I think it's because I have such high expectations of it, such great ideals of what it could or should be, and when those ideals aren't met, I get frustrated at both the church and those members I feel are keeping it from that ideal.
I'm trying. I have years of preaching and moralizing deep in my spirit to work through, years of superfluous knowledge and doctrine to shed so love and care can truly surface. I'm trying to pray my way there, to cultivate it through meditation, but it's difficult. I still want power and control and people to think me 'smart' and 'intelligent' and 'profound.' I guess that's not wrong, to desire affirmation and love, that is. But others want that too, and how can I judge them as "ignorant' or 'loud-mouthed' when all they're looking for is that same affirmation?
Anyways, this blog isn't a confessional. You, reader, aren't my priest, and I am working and praying through it. I'm doing my best, though, I do know, sometimes the best isn't good enough.
God, help me to understand rather than to be understood.
- St Francis of Assisi
Anyways, anything about my scholarly paper from yesterday?
No, but I had some interesting conversations with both Bill and Will from my screenplay. I've been writing letters. Back and forth between them, exploring their lives, their voices, their ideas and personalities. I'm seeing deep into both. Bill has very deep scarring from old love. He had a relationship and it ripped him to shreds inside. Now he's 'moved past both love and hate,' which is true. But then again, Will is all about love. He feels everything. But he's so conflicted about how to love everyone. He wants to help, to love the world, but his emotions rule him. He has so many doubts whether he can really love all those around him.
The Alumni room. Twenty young, goofy Christian kids around the polished marble table. Bibles flopped open. We went through John 9-15 yesterday.
And what did I learn about myself? I still tend to have the idea that I know everything. All I wanted to do was police the discussion, make sure nothing "wrong" was said, nothing uncompassionate, nothing historically or theologically questionable. Rather than immersing myself in the discussion and trying to learn from it, I found myself the subconscious arbiter of all things right and true. I really try to listen rather than speak, to understand rather than to be understood, but deep down, I still have a long way to go listening and compassion wise.
Lydia pointed something out to me last night when I think is very true. I tend to be very forgiving of other religions and their adherents, but when it comes to Christianity, my own tradition, there's almost a bitterness towards it. This is true: I think it's because I have such high expectations of it, such great ideals of what it could or should be, and when those ideals aren't met, I get frustrated at both the church and those members I feel are keeping it from that ideal.
I'm trying. I have years of preaching and moralizing deep in my spirit to work through, years of superfluous knowledge and doctrine to shed so love and care can truly surface. I'm trying to pray my way there, to cultivate it through meditation, but it's difficult. I still want power and control and people to think me 'smart' and 'intelligent' and 'profound.' I guess that's not wrong, to desire affirmation and love, that is. But others want that too, and how can I judge them as "ignorant' or 'loud-mouthed' when all they're looking for is that same affirmation?
Anyways, this blog isn't a confessional. You, reader, aren't my priest, and I am working and praying through it. I'm doing my best, though, I do know, sometimes the best isn't good enough.
God, help me to understand rather than to be understood.
- St Francis of Assisi
Anyways, anything about my scholarly paper from yesterday?
No, but I had some interesting conversations with both Bill and Will from my screenplay. I've been writing letters. Back and forth between them, exploring their lives, their voices, their ideas and personalities. I'm seeing deep into both. Bill has very deep scarring from old love. He had a relationship and it ripped him to shreds inside. Now he's 'moved past both love and hate,' which is true. But then again, Will is all about love. He feels everything. But he's so conflicted about how to love everyone. He wants to help, to love the world, but his emotions rule him. He has so many doubts whether he can really love all those around him.